Lesson 3: Regulation

“Regulating doesn’t mean being calm; it means being connected”.

There is a misconception that being calm and in control is what being regulated looks like. However, this is not how nervous systems work. The seemingly calm and under control person could have a number of alarm bells firing under the surface. Presenting calm all the time is often an attempt to push down and eventually can lead to severe overwhelm or shutdown.

The nervous system is not just fight, flight, or freeze, nervous system states are more complex. 

From a vagus-nerve perspective you have ventral vagal, which is safe and social (that is our connected state); you have the sympathetic, which is fight-or-flight; and the dorsal vagal, which is shut down or freeze. You also have these beautiful hybrid states, such as excited , nervous, alert and attentive, etc.

For example, when you are giving a presentation, you’ll need a hybrid of ventral vagal and sympathetic fight-or-flight. Or when you are having serious discussion, the same two states are activated. If you are meditating or being intimate with a partner, you’ll use a hybrid of ventral vagal and dorsal vagal. 

Exercise : Nervous System Ladder:

How would you define regulated or connected? This is the ability to hold mindful awareness of whatever emotions you are experiencing while maintaining access to higher centers of the brain to remain grounded and connected in order to make decisions and respond.

You can be angry and still connected to yourself. You can be overwhelmed and still be connected to yourself in your overwhelm and in your anxiety and your sadness. It is neurobiologically and behaviorally possible to be highly aroused and still be regulated and contained within one’s window of tolerance.

Discerning the difference between; regulated activation of emotions as information, and triggered states of emotional dysregulation that lie beneath awareness is a critical distinction. 

When we show up in relationships with the intent to be present with another person, it can sometimes look messy rather than calm in its presentation. If “messy” is authentic and still connected, it is therefore regulated, because those moments can ultimately still have the impact of repair, connection, and security. 

The human brain and our entire being (whether in children or adults) are designed for connection with a deep desire to be felt by others. We all need to be seen, valued, and met within our relationships.  This is foundational !

In order to have connection , we must have the following: 

GROUNDING -feeling our bodies in relationship to the ground beneath us. (root down)

ORIENTING - a process of becoming aware of our location in time and space. (looking around for spacial safety)

RESOURCING - or “becoming resourced.” Resources could be sensations, emotions, colors, places, people, sounds, animals — anything that shifts your state in a positive direction toward a sense of well-being, safety, gratitude, grounding, compassion, empowerment, or inspiration.

OVERVIEW:

Regulation is often misunderstood as calmness.

In reality, regulation is the ability to remain connected and aware, even in the presence of intensity.

Nervous System States

  • Ventral vagal: connection, safety, social engagement

  • Sympathetic: mobilization, action, fight/flight

  • Dorsal vagal: shutdown, withdrawal

These states are not rigid. You may experience blended or transitional states depending on context.

True Regulation

To be regulated is to:

  • Feel your emotions

  • Stay connected to your body

  • Maintain access to choice and response

Core Somatic Skills

Grounding

Feeling your body in contact with the surface beneath you

Orienting

Becoming aware of your environment through your senses

Resourcing

Connecting to something that evokes safety, ease, or support

Guided Orienting Practice

  • Visually scan your space and identify specific colors

  • Listen for sounds at varying distances

  • Notice any scents

  • Feel points of contact within your body

Observe how your internal state responds.

Resourcing Practice

  1. Identify something that feels supportive (a place, person, or memory)

  2. Close your eyes

  3. Notice where in your body you feel a sense of ease or openness

  4. Rest your attention there